tears

It is never fun to go to the ER. But what is worse is going to the ER with your child because you failed. Failed to be there. Failed to watch over them. Failed to protect them. Failed to catch them when they fell. Instead Avery fell. Almost four feet. Hitting a metal platform on the way down. A busted lip and torn frenulum. By the time we drove the 20 minutes to get the ER the intense bleeding had stopped and she was sound asleep in the backseat. But we went in anyway. What do I know about falls or bleeding from the mouth? And maybe falling asleep right away after a fall isn't a good thing. What do I know? So we went. And she is fine. Having trouble eating, very crabby and tired, but otherwise fine. I can't stop shaking and have felt close to tears ALL DAY! Why was I being so selfish? Why I was sitting, eating my lunch and chatting with friends when I should have been by her side? SHE IS ONE! Not three like all the other kids. I should have been there. I failed. And then, today of all days. My husband calls me and tells me to read this. Did you go and read it? Well.....GO! How can someone have that much confidence in me? That much faith in me? And the tears begin to flow. Tears of sadness for Avery's pain, tears of anger over my failure and tears that I can't explain but have to do with how overwhelmingly loved I feel by my sister. I failed today but KNOW that I will do better tomorrow. Knowing that an amazing mother is proud of me makes it that much easier to deal with my regret and feelings of failure.